Ache
by karlaakamsloki
Summary: Once upon a time Loki saved Darcy's life this is the aftermath.


Wrote this while sick so this is just me venting and letting out some frustrations while my poor stories suffer in the back burner.  
Also everyone should listen to stop crying your heart out by Oasis while reading this.

* * *

Darcy will always remember the morning it happened.

She'll remember the small cup of coffee she bought from a street vendor.

She'll remember the purple blouse she loved so much being ruined when someone bumps into her making her spill her coffee all over her blouse.

She'll remember the way Clint flirts with her when he notices her bra sticking to her wet blouse.

She'll remember how she turned him down because getting in Natasha's bad books just wasn't in her agenda for the day.

She'll remember walking into Jane's lab, only to find her gagged and bound to a chair in the middle of the room, fear in her eyes.

She'll remember pressing the panic button on the wall before running towards Jane.

She'll remember the figure clad in green and gold, standing on Jane's right side.

She'll miss the figure to her left, clad in green and silver.

She'll miss the way both men look at her when she tries in vain to unbound Jane.

She'll miss the gleam of maliciousness that flashes in the eyes of the man standing to her left.

She'll miss when the Avengers enter the room and the fighting start.

She'll miss seeing the light directed at Loki hit her instead when she suddenly stands up.

She'll miss the look of shock on Loki's face when he realizes the killing blow directed at him hits her instead.

She'll feel, forever, the blackness and the things that accompany it.

She'll remember, for the rest of her life, how it isn't her life anymore.

She'll remember how she will never be the same.

* * *

She hears raised voices when she wakes up.

She can't make out what they're saying but she feels pain all over and her head pounds in a way which makes her want to cry out in pain. She doesn't because her throat feels raw and overused as if she had been screaming forever.

She feels tears in her eyes and she can't wipe them away because the harder she tries to move, the more painful her body becomes.

She silently prays for death to take her because nothing can hurt more than this.

As if her prays had been answered, she feels herself starting to lose consciousness again. There is no sweet relief from the pain though because the pain continues as her eyes involuntarily open and when her eyes register her surroundings, she wants to scream no matter how hard her throats hurts.

All around her are stars, not like the ones she sees in the sky at night, but the kind that are normal and vivid and terrifying because she is falling through the sky she sees at night and there is nothing to fall to, nothing to hold onto.

She doesn't know for how long she falls but the longer she does the more creatures she sees, all are reaching for her and she wants to pull back and cried out but she's denied both.

They are hideous and she has never seen such monsters before, not even in her worst nightmares.

They clawed at her and bite and pinch and pull and grab and then they laugh and she is still in so much pain she can barely feel their own sick ministrations on her but their faces show amusement and she is nothing but a play thing.

And then suddenly is all gone, the stars and the monsters and the pain.

She finally screams and she had never felt so free in her entire life and someone is holding her and she squirms to get free and when she looks up she sees green eyes and her fear comes back.

Loki is holding her and he is just as bad as the monsters.

She tries to hit him and kick him and then someone else is holding her but she recognizes the hair falling to her and the scent of lavender that is Jane's perfume and she calms down because she knows her friend is there.

She sobs and buries her face in Jane's neck and she feels Jane sobbing along with her and she doesn't know why she's crying too, everything in her mind is a mess of dark and monsters and she barely remembers her own name.

She hears raised voices over her own sobbing but soon someone is talking to her and Jane lets her go slowly and through tears she sees the outline of colors of Captain America's suit.

Steve picks up her slowly but she doesn't protest because Captain America always makes everything better, that's what her grandpa used to tell her.

He lays her down on a bed and she gives him a grateful smile but when she tries to rearrange herself she feels a stab of pain on her stomach and she screams again because that means the monsters are real and they hurt her.

She trashes on the bed and there are hands holding her down and then she feels a prick on her arm and fear consumes her because the monsters are trying to take over her body now and she can't do anything to stop them.

Her screams start to die out and her body becomes heavy and she knows, she knows the monsters have come to take her away again.

To that empty place amongst the stars, to the darkness, to the void.

* * *

_It stars with an ache._

Darcy doesn't know how long she slept or how long the whole ordeal took. She does know the feelings and the emotions that came with almost dying.

When she wakes up there are balloons and flowers all over the room and Jane sitting in one of the chairs, reading a heavy textbook.

For a moment, a wonderful glorious moment, she forgets why she's in a hospital bed and why her stomach hurts but then she remembers and she lets out a sob of pent up emotion.

"Darcy, oh my god. Thank god you're awake." Jane tries to touch her hand and Darcy recoils and panic starts to choke her up.

"Darcy you need to calm down, it's ok. It's me, it's Jane." Jane is trying to touch her again and Darcy feels herself closing down and air is hard to breath.

"Damn it Darcy look at me!" She does and she sees tears in Jane's eyes and then she lets herself take a huge deep breath, the tears block her view but she sees Jane taking her in a hug and but the touching scares her and she pushes Jane away.

"Please…no…don't…" Her throat hurts and speaking makes her want to throw up but Jane gets the message and she stops trying to touch her.

"Ok, that's fine." Jane is back on her chair, hands in the air and Darcy lets herself relax against the uncomfortable pillows.

Darcy never liked hospitals and now when every single person that walks through the door wants to touch her in some way, even less.

Because there is nothing physically stopping her from being release and because she pleas for them to let her go to her own home, the doctors decide to let her go on her second day in the hospital.

She hasn't slept since she woke up with Jane by her side, truth is she doesn't think she can.

She is greeted by the Avengers and Nick Fury on her way out.

Jane is holding her bag of dirty clothes and Thor is pushing her wheelchair and she's holding her legs to her chest and she's ignoring the way the nurses are giving her a dirty look for the way she is seated.

They don't say much and Darcy doesn't look at any of them. Fury tells her to take as much time as she needs and that a psychiatrist will be assign to her.

Darcy frowns but she nods her head anyway and then she's in Jane's car and they are driving to Jane and Darcy's apartment and once in her room Darcy lights up every single light available.

She sits on her bed and stares at the light coming from the lamp on her desk and she rocks back and forth trying to keep the monsters out of her head.

She rubs her chest because the uncomfortable feeling in the region of her heart has been growing stronger since she woke up and she didn't tell anybody because is her own damn business if she feels a little empty inside.

The wound on her stomach, nothing more than a scratch, burns every time she moves or breaths deeply, so she doesn't and she prays for the heavy pain meds the hospital wing at SHIELD had provided her.

The only thing she has now are the sleeping pills they gave her and she gingerly takes two and swallows them dry.

She lies down on her bed and stares at the ceiling as she begins to feel her limbs growing heavier.

She has a brief moment of panic when she realizes she doesn't want to go to sleep and she struggles against the sleeping pills effects on her body but it's too late and she tries to relax.

She closes her eyes and welcomes the darkness, hoping no monsters come with it.

* * *

"You're becoming aggressive. Have you noticed that?"

Darcy who is still staring at the ceiling, nods her head and then gives her therapist a look full mock concern.

"Doc, I don't think you're supposed to tell me that." She goes back to staring at the ceiling and she hears the scratchy sounds that signal the writing part of her therapy.

"Darcy I tell you this because you are here to get better but instead every time I try to make you open up, you shut me down. Very forcefully." Darcy gives her a dry chuckled as she reaches to rub her chest.

"Jesus Christ woman, you make it sound like I've been doing therapy for years, I have only been here three times, chill." She sits up straight and lets the hand rubbing her chest fall, the last thing she needs is questions about that.

There is a moment of impatient silence between them before Dr. Oswald sighs and starts talking again.

"How about we go over what happened two weeks ago?" She doesn't wait for Darcy's respond, which would have been a flat out no, before continuing. "Now since I don't know things from your point of view, I will tell them to you from an outsider's point of view. In the morning of June sixteenth at eight o'clock that morning, a panic button was activated in the labs designated to astrophysicist Jane Foster and her working crew. Including her personal assistant, Darcy Lewis. There is no video record of the events as the assailant erased all trace of them upon his arrival. The Avengers, who were located in the SHIELD building at the time, answered the distress call. Upon arrival they found Miss Foster and yourself, in the middle of the room and two different assailants at opposite sides of the room."

"Wait, wait. Two assailants?" Darcy who had by this point being paying minimal attention because the last thing she needs is to remember, disturbs her own concentration by Oswald's statement.

"Indeed, Loki Laufeyson and Dr. Victor Von Doom." Darcy stares at her in shock and mind tries to compensate for the missing information in her brain.

She slaps herself on the forehead and she ignores the gasp from her therapist.

The slap doesn't work, it seems she can't remember something she never saw.

"So who…?" And she doesn't want to know because Loki had been an easy target to hate, and adding some else to the equation makes her brain hurt.

"The person that attacked you was Dr. Doom." Dr. Oswald gives her a compassionate look and Darcy puts her hand to her chest and rubs in frustration because the damn ache grows stronger when she thinks too hard about that day.

"And Loki…?" Because she had woken up in his arms and she remembers the green of his eyes vividly.

"Saved you." Dr. Oswald looks proud of herself, Darcy can only assume she thinks she has made a breakthrough.

Darcy almost laughs to herself because she has.

Darcy could never in a million years imagine Loki saving her from anything, much less death and she doesn't know how to put that in her brain and make it stay.

"I gotta go." She picks up her purse from the small couch she had been resting on and practically runs from the room, uncaring of the yells behind her.

She's grateful the shrink's office is part of the SHIELD building because it will make finding Thor all the much easier.

When she gets to the elevator, she realizes her hand is still rubbing her chest and she sighs in resignation and leaves it there.

She punches the button for the gym and she leans against the wall, hand still rubbing her chest and she realizes she can't keep going this way. The nightmares, the ache in her chest, the darkness, everything that makes her cringe and scream is deep within her and she doesn't know how to take it out.

She loses her patience quickly and snaps at the smallest of things, leaving a trail of angry co-workers and people. Her shrink told her she was becoming aggressive and Darcy can't help but agree with her.

It had been two weeks since her incident and instead of growing better, she grows worse.

She doesn't know where the anger comes from, or for that matter the depression that settles heavily into her stomach at the end of each day.

She knows she doesn't feel like herself half time and like dead version of herself the other half.

She doesn't understand what she saw when she was dying, she knows it feels real every time she dreams about it. The images and the feelings too vivid to be untrue.

She finds Thor training with Tony Stark and she yells his name instead of finding certain death by interrupting their fight.

"Lady Darcy, how may I help you this day?" Thor is all smiles and Darcy gives him an awkward one in return.

"Can I talk to you? In private?" Tony is giving her a weird look and she quickly takes of her hand from her chest and hides it behind her back.

Thor notices nothing and leads her away after a quick wave to Tony.

Thor settles her in a corner of the gym and sits down protectively next to her, she smiles again more sincerely this time since she knows Thor is subconsciously trying to protect her.

"Loki saved me?" She doesn't beat around the bush and Thor gives a startled look before he speaks.

"Indeed, my brother saw you taking a deadly blow aim at his person and he decided to help you." Thor looks proud of his brother and Darcy opens her mouth to speak and instead stands up, aggravation marking her steps.

"Lady Darcy?" Thor stands up and gives her a confused look but Darcy waves him off.

"He just decided?!" She doesn't scream but her voice is raised enough the rests of the agents in the gym turn to look at them.

"Jane asked him and so did Steve Rogers." Thor looks apologetic and Darcy leans her head against the wall. Anger swelling inside her chest, right where the ache rest.

"My brother agreed and then he brought you back." Darcy doesn't look at Thor when she finally lets out a scream of anger, and she doesn't look at him when she punches the wall.

Her hand stings and burns but it feels wonderful to her mess up emotions and she cradles the hand to her chest where the ache is alive and breathing fire in her soul.

She feels Thor touching her and she recoils against him but he holds her tight and the euphoria from her bloody hand vanishes and she is left once again with all her anger.

She doesn't know how Thor takes her home but the next thing she knows she's sitting on her bed and Thor is shouting for Jane.

She locks the door and screams and punches it until both her hands are bleeding.

Jane and Thor beg her to open the door but Darcy merely takes a sleeping pill and closes her eyes.

Relief is gone when she realizes the monsters are waiting for her in the darkness.

* * *

Darcy picks at the scabs on her hands while she tries to remember where she left her reading glasses.

She rocks back and forth on her bed, scanning her room for any sign of them and she kicks the bed with the back of her legs when she realizes she lost them.

She cries at the loss of them and then she stands up and breaks the lamp on her desk in frustration. The noise attracts Jane and Darcy wishes fiercely she could feel guilt, she wishes she could feel anything else besides anger and the ache in her chest.

She doesn't sleep anymore, at least she can't remember the last time she slept. She can't remember the last time she went to work without hitting something or someone. She can't remember the last time she had a normal conversation, she can't remember a lot of things without anger clouding her actions.

Sometimes though when she least expects it the depression she only felt late at night a couple of weeks ago, hits her full force and she is a mess of sadness and it's on those times Darcy fears the most because not even the monsters could drive her to stand in front of her mirror, knife raised to her wrist.

The depression is the most painful because it makes her crave contact with anybody but the thought of touching somebody makes her skin crawl.

So she deals with it on her own way.

Ignoring Jane at the door, Darcy digs into her underwear drawer and finds her small stash of pot. She only uses it in dire situation and right now the ache, and the anger, and the depression, are making her sick to her stomach.

She doesn't get to smoke any though since the door to her bedroom is forcefully open and she is grabbed by two different sets of hands.

She screams and trashes against her aggressors, whom she recognizes as Steve and Thor, but they won't let her go and as they pass through the front door of the apartment she sees Jane crying into Natasha's shoulder and Natasha gives her a blank look and there is so much regret in her eyes and Darcy is terrified now and the all anger is fueling her senses and she doesn't know where she is and what's right or wrong and she just wants everything to stop.

And then it does.

She is hugging someone, someone so much taller than herself and the chest her head rests on is hard and cold but the anger is gone and the depression too, the ache is still there but she can barely feel it and for the first time in over a month she breaths in and doesn't feel like she's choking.

She wants to cry with relief and she barely feels the arms of the person she's hugging going around her and touching her scalp and shoulders. She doesn't let go because she knows that if she does she'll feel everything again, all that anger and depression and the ache will come back full force so she doesn't let go.

"I only meant to save you." Regret, so much regret and Darcy wants to cry because she feels it too.

She wants to let go, let go of Loki because now she can _think_. She knows he brought the monsters and the darkness and the stars that scare her, but she can't let go because that would mean letting all those ugly emotions back in and she's just so tired of them.

"Why?" She doesn't know what else to say, she doesn't know what else to ask because she has been in such a daze she doesn't remember anything that has happened to her in the last month.

She feels his hands on her cheeks and she's force to raise her head to meet his eyes and she doesn't want to open her eyes but he doesn't let her face go and then she opens her eyes and he looks as lost as she feels.

"I do not know what happened, I gave you back your essence and your heartbeat. I believe I might have left something behind in you." He scans her face and she struggles to see him as man and not as a monster.

Loki is beautiful in a deadly way and ruthless in a not beautiful way, and Darcy doesn't want to be part of him or him part of her.

"What?" Even though her mind tells her to let him go as it seeks answers, her body is too busy clinging to him seeking relief from the confusion that has settle heavily in her stomach.

"I believe I gave you a part of my own essence to ensure your survival." He doesn't sound remorseful, he sounds disconnected but Darcy can feel his regret in the base of her skull and she just _knows_ he didn't mean for any of this to happen.

He lets go of her face and she goes back to resting her cheek in his chest, knowing they're both in deep trouble.

She thinks hard on all the emotions she has felt since she woke up and she realizes they aren't her own but Loki's. The ache, the anger, the depression all Loki's.

"Is that how you feel every day?" She wants him to say no, she wants him to say she got all his negative emotions. She doesn't want to think someone lives with that and somehow functions in a daily basis because she only had a fraction of him, she can't begin to imagine how he lives with the rest.

"Yes." The word is short, clipped, to the point but Darcy can feel the sadness that consumes Loki when he thinks about it too hard. She cries now, not for herself but for him and she has never felt so much empathy in her life for someone and the feeling of it floors her.

She's a crying mess when Loki stops the hug to pick her up bridal style.

She stares confusedly at him before following his gaze. She finds The Avengers and Jane standing outside of what she thinks is the cage to hold the hulk, behind the glass panes Jane looks upset standing next to a somber Thor, and the rest of the Avengers look resigned, though Tony seems to be holding an enraged Clint back.

"They wish not for me to take you, for they understand the dangers of my person. I know not how to fix this and I cannot stay here. I need time." Darcy turns to look at Loki and she wipes the tears away from her face and giving Jane a last wave, she holds tightly to Loki and closes her eyes and then she felts the world shift around her.

When she opens her eye, she is in a decent size bedroom. It's not fully furnished but there is a king size bed and her body aches to settle down and sleep.

"Please Loki I really need to rest. I'm so tired." The admission comes easy because she is beyond pride.

Loki settles them both in the bed and Darcy feels the hardness that is Loki's armor shift and settles into something resembling sleepwear.

She looks at Loki's face and realizes he looks tired and pale and she settles her head between his arm and shoulder and closes her eyes.

She doesn't know how long they sleep but when she wakes up Loki is still sleeping next to her, she smiles because now she feels herself again. There is still a small ache in her chest but she knows she can deal with it with Loki there.

She doesn't know how long she's been wearing the tank top and sweatpants she's in and she's sick and tired of not knowing anything.

She tries to get up from the bed and she realizes how she doesn't know when was the last time she ate because as soon as her feet touch the floor, she's dizzy. She sits back on the bed and takes a deep breath. She tries to stand up again with more success this time and she feels a little irritated when the ache in her chest grows but it's not overwhelming so she continues.

She's thankful the door to the bathroom is open because there are three identical doors in the room and she doesn't any energy to guess. Once she gets there, she ignores the mirror and clumsily steps into the tub, clothes and all. The water is freezing cold once she manages to get it open but she doesn't care because this is the first time she feels anything besides negative emotions and there is freedom in the coldness that engulfs her.

She takes off her clothes slowly and she scrubs every part of her body with the things in the tub, Darcy has a small moment of disbelieve when it dawns on her Loki probably goes out to buy hygiene products.

Once she leaves the shower she finds a towel on a heated rack and then she steps towards the sink and she lets her eyes find her face in the mirror.

She smiles brokenly when she realizes that in one of her fits she scratch and bruised her face, her eyes have bags the size of Texas and her lips are chapped and cut from where she bit on them too hard. She's not a pretty picture but she feels better and as of that moment that's all that matters to her.

She doesn't find an extra toothbrush so she uses Loki's because they share a soul or something, what's a toothbrush right?

When she steps back in the room Loki is sitting up on the bed, staring at the door she just walked in from and he gives a sympathetic look when he looks down at her body.

Her face heats up and she looks down too only to encounter all the bruises she was trying to avoid seeing, there are marks on her arm that scream Thor and Steve and she's sure when she dares look under her towel she'll find more bruises.

"Yeah, I'm trying to avoid those." Giving him a tentative smile she walks towards a door she hopes is the closet, the one closest to the bathroom, and she smiles when she finds out it is.

"I'm going to steal some of your clothes." She announces as she goes through drawers and cabinets.

She finds some sweatpants and a button down black shirt and she puts them both on, uncaring on how silly she looks.

The sweatpants are too big on her but she folds them at the top until they feel ok and then she walks towards the bed.

Loki still hasn't moved from the bed and Darcy sits down next to him and breathes a sigh of relief when the ache dulls to almost nothing.

"Are we going to talk?" She twists her hands on her lap but finds that the scabs from one of her episodes is still there and she puts them behind her back before Loki can see.

"If you wish." He didn't sound please and worst still she felt his hesitation on talking with her.

"You know all this lying isn't going to work for you if I know what you're feeling." She gives him a wide smile when he gives her a sharp look.

"Very well. We shall start with something simple, tell me how you felt when I brought you back." Darcy winced and looked around the room before looking back at him.

"I… there was so much pain. At first I don't remember much than that, well actually I remember the things leading up to the attack in the lab. I remember raised voices and someone holding me and then…" She hesitates and straightens her back.

"Then I was falling." And a second after her confession Loki isn't in the bed with her but pacing back and forth, hands on his head and muttering to himself.

He doesn't look as regal now, pajama bottoms and white shirt ruining the effect of the alien prince but there were waves of anger rolled off of him and Darcy grabs a pillow and squeezes.

"I apologize. No one in the nine realms should see that." They were back to regret and Darcy wonders if Loki holds an emotion longer than five seconds.

"You know what? Forget it. It happened, there is nothing you or I can do about it." She waves her hand when he tries to speak again and motions him to sit down again.

"Instead tell me why ache every time I'm away from you." She holds the pillow to her chest and rests her chin on top of it.

"Because the small part of my essence that lives inside of you is looking for the rest of its owner." He holds his hand and touches her upper arm with his fingertips and Darcy lets out a sigh of relief because the action makes her feel _whole_.

"Oh." Not knowing what to do she reaches for his hand and holds it between her own.

"Can you fix this Loki? Will I always ache for you?" She doesn't mean for it to sound romantic but the words are true and taking them back would change nothing.

"I do not know. I fear you might perish if I try to take my essence away from you." She closes her eyes and looks for a trace of lies in his soul but found none and she lets his hand fall.

"Are you alone Loki?" She desperately wants to know.

He doesn't answer and avoids her gaze but she knows and she pities him as much as she does herself.

"Why are opening up to me?" She knows the answer but hearing it from him would help them both.

"You, Darcy Lewis, are the only being in the nine realms that understands me." He stills avoids her gaze but his admission makes her smile and she reaches for him in a way she never thought she would with a god bent on world domination.

"Do you want breakfast? Or lunch or something." She wrinkles her nose and looks around the room trying to find something to measure time and she comes up empty handed, not even finding a window.

Loki gets up and holds his hand to her and she takes it trustfully before Loki leads them towards the last door in the bedroom.

The living room they pass through is as deserted as the bedroom but the kitchen proves fruitful and she finds enough and bread to make them a decent breakfast.

"Should I ask about this place?" She gives Loki a raised eyebrow and he laughs and shakes his head.

They eat in silence and once they are done they migrate back to the bedroom, lying down they find temporary peace in their own heads.

"Loki?" He drops his eyes from the ceiling to look at her.

"I promise I'll never leave you, not even if you fix this because you're the only one that understands." She chokes on the last word and Loki maneuvers them and hugs her tightly against him.

It doesn't matter Loki did this to her, not really because no one else knows what it feels like to fall, no one else knows what the monsters look like, what their claws feel like against broken skin, no one else will understand the emptiness of space and the suffocation of it, no one will understand the frightfulness of stars and not their beauty.

Darcy understands Loki, body and soul and Loki knows her in the same way.

They are trapped within each other and one day they will fall again and Darcy can only hope is together.

* * *

_Several years later…_

Jane giggles when Mary tries to get out of grasp and full blown laughs when Pepper tries to stop them both from getting dirty.

They are all in Central Park having a small picnic in celebration of Mary Stark's second birthday and Jane stares in disbelieve when she notices Tony trying to sneak up on Clint.

Expectedly Clint notices him first and greets Tony with a slap to the forehead.

No one notices little Mary making her way across the field until she almost collides with a passing motorcycle.

Pepper yells for someone to help but Jane can tell no one is near enough and no amount of super human strength will get anyone on time to stop it.

Jane cries out and dashes towards Mary but to her amazement someone grabs the toddler before the motorcycle can hit her.

"Thank you, thank you so much." Jane grabs Mary and cradles her to her chest and she notices with relief everyone making their way towards them.

"Oh it's no problem, I always knew Tony Stark was going to end up owning me one."

Jane turns her head to see the woman again and notices for the first time that is Darcy.

She doesn't look much different not even with her hair pin straight instead of her usual wavy hair. Though Jane is surprise to see her in a short, green sundress.

She smiles at Jane before waving to the rest of the party, when she walks away Jane finally finds her voice.

"Darcy I miss you." She turns and Jane can see the way she shines when she smiles.

"Have a good life Jane. Maybe I'll see you around." She winks before she begins to walk again and Jane can feel the rest of the Avengers and company behind her.

"Was that-?" Clint chokes on the last word while Darcy continues to walk towards the small bridge a couple of feet from them.

No one follows her, Jane doesn't know if it's the shock of her or the thought that she might not be real.

Mary points towards a man on the bridge and Jane can only see his back but when Darcy reaches him she can plainly see a smiling Loki greeting Darcy with a kiss.

Before Jane or anybody else can do anything Darcy waves one final time and they are gone.

Jane smiles at Thor and they shared one content smile knowing the most important people in their lives are happy somewhere.

They go back to the party and Jane can't help but feel like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders.

Jane looks back at the bridge and hopes for the best.


End file.
